The NEAR Method: Dear Friends & Family Series
Dear Friends and Family,
Your loved one just announced that they are struggling with infertility…. and you don’t know what to say. I get it, I really do. Before going through infertility myself I’m not certain that I would have known exactly what to say either. How do you offer comfort to someone facing a diagnosis that makes the future so uncertain?
In the infertility community, we often use the analogy of a marathon to describe the infertility journey. Imagine that your loved one is running a marathon. You want to support them, cheer them on, and even reduce some of the pain and burden wherever possible. In order to offer your support you can’t run too far ahead of them, nor fall too far behind. Ahlia Kim, LMFT invites you to use the “NEAR Method”, a therapist-approved approach to supporting your loved one through their infertility journey.
“N” in NEAR stands for Notice (your thoughts and feelings)
Noticing your thoughts and feelings about your loved one’s journey is the first step. It is important to notice if you have your own feelings of grief to attend to. The emotional impact of the fertility journey can affect more than just the couple going through treatment. It impacts hopeful grandparents who are waiting to find out if they get to have a grandbaby. It impacts friends who had hoped to raise their kids together. Feeling grief in response to your loved one’s diagnosis is normal. It’s important to find your own support for your grief, anxiety, or disappointment so that you can remain NEAR to your loved one.
“E” in NEAR stands for Educate (yourself)
Accurate representations of the infertility journey are difficult to come by. Even in our rare moments of media representation, the trope is often that the couple gets pregnant once they stop trying. Utilizing quality infertility education tools, such as those found on the Well Harbor Therapy resource page, can be a great place to start your education journey. This helps reduce the burden of education on your loved one and can be a meaningful step in showing your support.
“A” in NEAR stands for Ask
When we ask our loved ones about their preferences, boundaries, and unique perspectives we can provide support free from assumption. Meaningful support starts with the simple question “What do you need”?
Some questions you might ask include:
What needs do you currently have as you pursue fertility treatments?
Are you comfortable with me checking in on you during your fertility journey, or do you prefer to share information as you feel ready?
Is your fertility journey something you are sharing publicly, or do you prefer I keep this information to myself?
It is important to be mindful about asking for specific medical details, such as their diagnosis and prognosis. Many couples prefer not to share the specifics of their reproductive journey and instead want to focus on discussing the ways that infertility is impacting them emotionally and mentally. If you are feeling unsure if a question is appropriate, you can always ask!
“R” in NEAR stands for Respect
Approaching your loved one with respect sets the foundation for emotional safety. There are three important ways you can offer respect to your loved one throughout this journey.
Respect their boundaries
Your loved one will need to create new boundaries as they move through this journey. It may not always be realistic for them to say yes to attending a baby shower or spending money on a family trip. Your loved one may also set boundaries on sharing important dates, such as the date of their IVF transfer, to allow themselves space to experience some privacy amidst an otherwise very exposed and vulnerable journey.
Respect their choices
Your loved one will likely have to make incredibly difficult and medically complicated choices. Respect that they have made the best choice for themselves given the information they’ve been provided, the resources they have available, the values they hold, and the specific diagnosis they are facing. When your loved one is making a difficult choice it is important to examine your own anxiety, grief, and bias so that you can support them with respect.
Respect their inherent value
Your loved one holds inherent value regardless of their ability to have children. Many women in particular who experience infertility comment on feeling like they are “less than” in society or within their family. You can honor the inherent value of your loved one by respecting who they are as a whole person.
This may look like:
Show up to major events in their life, such as graduations, birthdays, performances, competitions or dinner parties.
Support what they love, whether it’s an interest, a hobby, or a pet.
Acknowledge them on child-centered holidays, such as Christmas.
Pro tip: Include some holiday traditions for the adults too!
If you have kids, identify topics of conversation you can engage in that are not exclusively about parenting. We want to hear about your kids, but balance helps keep the relationship sustainable.
By using the “NEAR Method” you can provide the foundation of safety and understanding needed to be an effective member of your loved one’s support team. No one does this perfectly, and mistakes are part of the process. It takes hard work and a lot of heart to stay near our loved one as they run the fertility marathon.
Thank you for being near.
